What Is Emotional Intimacy?

Intimacy is the experience of feeling known by and feeling you know another person. There are different types of intimacy, including physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual and intellectual intimacy. Different people are often more comfortable with some types of intimacy, and less comfortable with others. Some relationships include only one or a few types of intimacy. Although all types of intimacy can be important to develop in long term romantic relationships, as a couples and sex therapist, I often encounter couples who are having difficulty with emotional intimacy in their relationship. Emotional Intimacy is when partners are able to share their emotional experiences with each other and feel understood and accepted. As human beings, we all have the desire to be seen and accepted by another human being. This acceptance enhances our sense of safety in the world and increases our potential for growth. Feelings of intimacy actually improve our health and sense of overall well being in the world.

Many people grew up getting the message that negative emotions are damaging to relationships. Maybe anger was expressed violently in their family of origin, or the expression of sadness was met with coldness or anger. These experiences teach us that sharing emotions is damaging to relationships. When we grow up and enter into an adult romantic relationship, this early programming can become a huge barrier to emotional intimacy. The good news is we can develop an increased capacity for emotional intimacy in our adult lives. The first step is reevaluating how we feel about emotions. Learning about the role that both negative and positive emotions play in relationships can help us feel more comfortable with our own emotional experiences.

Feelings of sadness, jealousy or anger in relationships are normal. These emotions signal to us to pay attention to something. They are not necessarily a reflection of the overall health of the relationship. When we experience these emotions, are able to express them to our partner and our partner is able to respond with empathy, our feelings of safety increase. It also increases our ability to work together as a team to solve any potential conflicts in our relationship.

The best way to increase the emotional intimacy in a relationship is through practice. Learning communication skills that help our partner’s feel secure in expressing their emotions creates a positive feedback loop that will increase the likelihood they will share with us in the future. Likewise, learning positive communication techniques for expressing feelings can increase the likelihood that we will get a positive response from our partner. A skilled couples therapist will help you identify communication patterns that block the expression of emotion and create new patterns of communication that increase intimacy.